Tonight, I went back to the beginning of the Caring Bridge website and re-read all of the updates during the first week. That was a hard week. It was the week before my 22 birthday, and we were finding out that my mom had terminal cancer. I remember at one point, while meeting with the radiologist, she said "The first time I had cancer, they told me that if I had to have it...this is the kind I should have. I'm not hearing that this time around and that scares me." The doctor looked at her, then said very lovingly, "It's because if there is a type of cancer you don't want to have this is it." That was the first time I realized that we were in for the battle of our lives. The same doctor called us the next day to tell us the official diagnosis and prognosis. The news was better than the absolute worst, but worse than anything I imagined.
That week was one full of emotions, tears, and fears. Actually, the last 7 months have been that way. Mom was scheduled to have surgery the day before my birthday, but ended up having emergency surgery the night before she was scheduled. As I have come to learn over the past few months, she came very close to dying on August 6, just 8 days after the tumors were found. I am very thankful that God has allowed us this time to be with her. There are memories from this time that I will never forget, and for that I rejoice.
As I write this tonight, I'm in tears remembering the care free days of the cruise just weeks before her diagnosis. How I long for those days back! But, through it all, I can honestly say that God has reveled Himself in ways I would have never seen had he not brought us through this. I'm not saying I'm happy about the situation, but I can at least say I'm at peace with it. God is in control. As Lamentations 3:37-38 says "Who has spoken and it came to pass, unless the Lord has commanded it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that good and bad come?" This was a comfort to me during the good times, it continues to be a comfort to me in the bad.
This week has been one of ups and downs. A definite up, my best friend got engaged two nights ago!!! Yay! :) I'm going to be a maid of honor. I have already told her though, that she will be wearing the ugliest dress as my matron of honor. :) I think it will be hilarious...explaining why she is wearing an ugly dress in all my wedding pictures...because she got married before me. I'm laughing at her now.
Mom is doing some better. As I have said, she had a very rough night Friday night. We are still hoping to go on vacation this weekend though. It will be interesting to see how that goes.
Through everything, though, I know that my God is in control. I have been reminded this week just how much I'm prone to wonder. As the hymn says "Prone to wonder, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love." God is drawing me back to him. You would think at this time in my life I wouldn't need to be drawn back, but I do. I have strayed and I'm realizing just how far.
I hope that I can use this blog as a release...more like a journal than a blog. I don't like to hand write stuff, but I love typing in the computer. I'm still thinking that this is pretty much my eyes only which I'm kind of happy about. I want to get personal, but I'm afraid to get too personal not knowing who is actually reading this.
No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
These are probably some of the most powerful words ever to be written in a song. It comes from "In Christ Alone" written by Stuart Townend and Keith Getty. When I see these words, I automatically think of my mom and how she has lived her life. I'm almost certain she has never heard this song, but I'm sure she would love it.
"This is the power of Christ in me" Have you ever thought about the power of Christ in us and what it means to not fear death? I could not imagine going through this time without the knowledge that death holds no victory over us. Although there is a since of finality of death, there is nothing final about it. Eternity awaits us, and with Christ there is no fear of death! I am absolutely amazed at this fact.
I mentioned in my first blog that my mom has cancer. For the past few months (since mid December, or so) she has been doing wonderful! But, last week things started to change. She started taking more Advil, then real pain pills. Tonight she had the worst night since probably November or before. It's scary. Mom's diagnosis is metastatic breast cancer in the brain, lungs, and chest wall. Her prognosis is "grave" (which I think is a horrid word to use...I'm not sure if it is supposed to have a double meaning, but I sure took it that way the first time I heard it), meaning we will be lucky if she is alive in July. Hospice is in control of her care and I'm her "day to day" caregiver. Because she has been doing so well for so long, it is scary to have a night like tonight. My thoughts are that the good times are behind us...buckle your seatbelt because the ride is about to get bumpy.
They found the tumors in the brain first. I will never forget the day. July 29, 2007. Probably the worst day of my life and the start of a nightmare that hasn't ended. Life has completely changed since that day.
I'm scared.
When I was 15 or 16, I came up with an "Ant" Story to help us understand just what Christ did for us. My story went something like this. Imagine you and your Dad standing over an ant hill. He looks down at the hill and tells you "I need you to become an ant so that they can all be saved. These ants need a savior, they need someone to live among them, and ultimately die for them. You will be that savior." You look at your dad, confused, wondering just what he is asking you do.
"You mean, I have to leave all of my friends, family...my life?"
"Yes, I do" he says. "You have to understand, I love you. This is going to hurt me. But it is necessary."
You look at the ant hill, then back at your dad. Your head shakes. "Okay. I know you have a plan and I trust you. Here I go."
In the beginning, things are interesting but not bad. You somewhat enjoy your time as an ant. Eventually, though, things change. The other ants get upset, not understanding your claim to be your father's child. They call you a liar and they start calling for your death. You knew this was coming, Your dad had made it very clear that you will have to die for these ants. Now, though, it is time for them to crucify you.
Do you think you would be willing to die for those ants? I mean, they are ANTS! They are a annoying and ugly.
I'm sure, by now, you have the picture. The picture you have is not even close to what Christ did for us. He left Heaven, I mean streets of gold, pearly gates, the works...for us!
Now, you probably are wondering why I'm bringing this up. It's very interesting to me because I found a very similar story online today. I called my best friend (the one I told the story to first) and said "Do you remember my Ant story?" She did...quite well actually. I had her read to story I found online and she agreed, there was a striking similarity. Check it out sometime if you get a chance. The story can be found on www.boundless.org, under the article "Christmas in February." I just thought it was cool. It isn't exactly the same, but it is VERY close.
Right now, I'm assuming NO ONE is reading this blog...so if you happen to be reading then please post a comment (even if it's just "hi") so that I know you are there.
Have you ever thought about assumptions? I'm sure you know the the saying "You know what they say about assuming right?" Well, I'm as guilty as anyone with assuming things. For instance, when I meet a guy I "assume" that he is a jerk until proven otherwise. Sorry fellows, I really have no idea why this is. If it makes you feel any better, it's easy to win me over. I also assume that when someone tells me they are a "Christian" that they fall into one of two camps. The first is the legalistic, holier-than-thou Christian that I'm sure everyone has met. Or, if they aren't one of them, than they must be the "I'm not really a Christian, I just think that is what you want to hear right now." Again, I don't know why I would generalize a group that I belong to. I don't think I belong to either one of the assumptions that I have just placed every other Christian in, then again I probably shouldn't be the one to say that. So why? Why do I assume the worst out of everyone first, only to be proven otherwise later? Is it a guard? If so, I will be the first to tell you IT DOESN'T WORK!
What about you? Do you have any assumptions?
I guess I just have to have blogs all over the place. I have no idea if this will actually take root, or if it will end up like the others I have floating around the net. Probably the later.
Anyways, if you happened to stumble upon my blog and wondered "Beautiful Feet?? What the...?" Well, let me explain. For years I have felt called to be a missionary. But, I haven't made it that far yet. Currently, I'm living with my parents for reasons that are far beyond my control. My mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer in July, 2007 and I moved home to take care of her. Before moving back into my parent's home, I was a seminary student in Louisville, KY. I loved the content of my classes and the school, but HATED the tests, due dates and the like. I have a passion for youth and missions, and the combination of the two is how I ended up in seminary. Because it looks as though I will be staying stateside for quite sometime, I hope to start an organization for teens and college students called "Beautiful Feet." (Look up Roman 10:15 if you want to know where it came from.) The idea is to provide an experience close to "real" missionary work. Most teens have NO clue what it actually means to be a missionary. I would like for interested teens to have the opportunity to spend weeks or months with a missionary family...observing them, learning from them, helping them, and enjoying a different culture. Hopefully, through that experience the participants will understand more about missions, be willing to pray for and support missionaries, and be cognizant of a greater need for more missionaries. I have no idea if I will ever actually start "Beautiful Feet" but it is something I would love to do one day.
Okay, now that I've explained the blog's title, I guess I will tell you a little about myself. I'm a Christian, first and foremost. I'm not perfect, so please don't expect me to be. I'm politically conservative for the most part. I love my family, they are the greatest gift God has given me outside of my salvation. Currently, I'm single. I don't see this fact changing in the near future mainly because I don't have the opportunity to be around single Christian men very often right now. I'm a caregiver for my mother (which I briefly mentioned before) who has metastasized breast cancer in her lungs, chest wall, and brain.
If you have any other questions about me, feel free to ask. I will answer to the best of my ability.
